i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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