I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
