WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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