i think my mom watched the whole time
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
