We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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