Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
