Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
