I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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