The maid of honor just puked.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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