I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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