I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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