my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
