I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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