I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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