I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
