I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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