some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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