you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
