im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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