summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
nutella sex= disaster
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Two words: nipple clamps
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