I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
sarcasm needs its own font
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize