so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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