my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
