My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
