Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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