Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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