Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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