How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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