I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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