Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
