he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
