Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
