Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
