You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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