im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
