I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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