I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
