I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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