I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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