wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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