Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
