What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
