So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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