it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize