I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
