My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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