Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
