Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We are two peas in an std pod
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize