my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize