East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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