okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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