I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
