Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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