I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
