So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
