Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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